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My own story

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1 My own story on Mon Jan 24, 2011 11:54 pm

nguyetngan

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My Own Story

Is there anything happened to you which makes you remember entire of your life? Personally, I got my own story which left me unforgettable memory and made me realize how my true feelings was to whom I almost had lost.

It happened many years ago when I was a little girl on grade three in primary school. At that time, a nine -year -old girl like me didn’t still awake to everything surrounding me of the real life and got silly thoughts also because of that which made me regretted then. I well remembered the school lesson of that day as my teacher asked us to give a small talk about our beloved father in front of class.

I was so excited when we were asked for this because Dad is the one I was “favorite” most. It meant I just considered him as a best friend of mine and never felt loving him or something like that.But now I think I was favorite on him because probable simply he took me school and pick me up everyday, he did everything which I wanted him to do for me such as buying new dolls or lovely toys whenever we dropped by the toy stores after school. I felt it’s not difficult at all for me to talk about my dad. I almost well knew about him and learned by heart all of things about him which he used to tell me. I started to draw out his image in my mind and made ideas ready up for my talk. Standing on stage now was Nhu Thuy. She was talking about her father passionately. Her father was a head doctor in a big hospital. When she finished her talk, all class started to clap to praise for her having a wonderful father like that. And next turn was me; I stepped up on the stage and started my talk with” My Dad is a wonderful person. He is a worker in a big factory….” Suddenly, the class burst into laugh…I didn’t know why. I tried to repeat my words ” yes, he is. He is a worker in a big factory” and now the laugher was louder. I was so confused;I finished quickly my talk and came back to my seat.Siting motionlessly on my seat, I listened carefully to the rest of the class talking about their Dad. It went on so noisily about their father’s successes. From time to time all I heard as their Dad had become a head doctor, professors, or, at least a medical employee. I realized that my Dad “had not made it…”.I thought he was a failure.
My bad time was when I came home from school. I said no words with anyone. My parent thought I was teased by someone at school. After dinner, Dad and I usually watch my favorite cartoon show but that night I didn’t. He tried to make me join with him but It made me angrier at him .”What’s happened to you, NguyetNgan? Who made you feel bad? He asked .”It was you” I said in breaking voice and hadn’t thought to prepare reasonable explanation .”What was me? What are you talking about”? He looked at me seriously .”Dad, it was something else I wanted to ask you ” ”why are you a worker? Why are you doing that job?” You make me feel ashamed…you know” .I thought he would be furious with me but he didn’t. He looked away as if he realized the deeper problem after all. I said to my Mom all happened in the class today.

From that on, I was not attached to my Dad more like I used to. He knew the feeling of the little daughter and didn’t want to disturb me more. He still took me to school and picked me up as usual but no words between us; I avoided looking straight to his eyes. Once afternoon when school time was over, I was waiting for him to pick me up home. It was too late, but he still didn’t come up. I became angrier at him with no reason, not really because he was late; I didn’t know why I was like this. After then, my aunt arrived to take me home; I wondered why my Dad didn’t pick me up today . ”Why didn’t my Dad come to pick me up, aunt? Why did he let me stand still here so long?” I asked curiously. “He was the hospital; he got an accident in the factory, my dear “she replied. At that moment, my eyes seemed to be darkened and there was roaring in my ears; a regretful feeling overwhelmed in my mind but I didn’t let tear show.

Night after night, when I was at home watching my favorite cartoon show alone, I was not interesting on it more .I felt I missed my Dad a lot . ”Aunt, can you bring my daddy back home for me? Said to aunt .”He was serious condition and need an operation my dear “she replied. I was so worried about him and I wept myself out.

Counting this day was four days from the day he got accident. I went home from school so early this afternoon. Mom called home from hospital; she told my aunt to take me there to visit Dad. Getting into a slightly cold room with everything in white, I saw my Dad lying motionless on bed; the bandage was covered in his head, his arm and his legs also. I sat looking at him in silence. I lift up Mom’s eyes and asked “What was wrong with Dad, Mom? Why doesn’t he come back home with me? “I asked but didn’t expect her answer. Suddenly, he woke up probable because of my noise. Looking at him, I burst into tear. I cried .Dad looked at me with compassion, gently touched my hair with his fingers . ”Listen, my daughter “he said “there’s nothing to cry about. I’ll soon be backing home .I’ll be alright. Don’t worry about anything”. At that moment I realized how important he was to my life. My love for Dad was developed deeply.

How many years have passed since then! I shall never forget that story .I had learned my lesson, however, just knew how Dad’s existence was worth. Whoever my Dad is ,he is the only one gives me complete love from the bottom of his heart.



Last edited by osamahiep on Tue Jan 25, 2011 4:08 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : "theo lời bạn Nga")

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2 Re: My own story on Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:00 am

nguyetngan

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Forum này sao post bài khó nhìn quá nhỉ! Mình đã cố type ngay hàng rồi mà chữ send lên cứ lung tung cả lên. I love you Tối nay không ngủ được ,ngồi post thế này cũng buồn ngủ luôn.hihi

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3 Re: My own story on Tue Jan 25, 2011 9:47 am

oh, ban. vao` khung post bai` no' cung co' may' cong cu. giong' hang` trai' phai? la justify giong' Word ma`,cung co viet chu~ dam. va mau` chu~ nua~ , giong nhu o tren os da edit lai. gium ban. do', ^^,chi can nhin ki~ khung post bai la co het' ma Ngan

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4 Re: My own story on Tue Jan 25, 2011 10:56 am

nguyetngan

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Thanks bạn Osamahiep nhá,giờ mình biết dùng viết màu viết rồi nè.Nhưng còn cái định dạng left,right vẫn chưa hiểu,mình type rồi định dạng sau hay phải click vào biểu tượng trước để type như ý mình muốn,như sử dụng cái color nè?

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5 Re: My own story on Tue Jan 25, 2011 11:10 am

nguyetngan

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Bạn osamahiep ơi,hình như bạn edit bài của mình nhầm tí thì phải.Ngay chỗ đoạn thứ ba từ dưới lên đó bạn,ngay chỗ"Counting this day was four days..."là một của mình nữa mà,bạn làm cho nó tách ra được không?Tại mỗi đoạn mình describe 1 scenery,hai đoạn đó không tách ra sợ người đọc hỏng hỉu thì sao hihi !!!

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6 Re: My own story on Tue Jan 25, 2011 11:56 am

ah, Ngan click vao cai hinh co' 2 chu a/A do',minh hay viet co dinh dang ngay tu dau,vi du. viet bang chu~ xanh, dam., ko can viet xong moi dinh dang dau, dinh dang ngay tu dau`,neu' muon' cac nut' can le` xuat hien. thi` Ngan click vao POST REPLY canh. con meo` kia kia, con` cai o reply o duoi' la` tra? loi` nhanh nen mot so' cong cu. can le` ko co' .
ah ma bai viet cua Ngan thi Ngan co' the? Edit do', an' vao hinh` co' cai' banh' xe duoi' bai ` viet'. la` Ngan co the tha ho` edit.

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7 Re: My own story on Tue Jan 25, 2011 2:26 pm

em_hoc_ngoan

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What a moved story, NguyetNgan, it's trully moved to tears for me! THank you for sharing a wonderful lesson of moral for many people. Also for me.

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8 Bài viết của bạn Ngân on Tue Jan 25, 2011 9:01 pm

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Thank you Ngân vì đã give me your credits. Trước hết du mục xin được comments vào một số lỗi trông thấy được của bài viết nhé, còn nhiều vấn đề khác sẽ đề cập sau, cũng như đánh giá về nội dung bài viết sẽ được post sau, do một số tutors khác của forum mình mới vào (người bản ngữ). Có lẽ sẽ khách quan hơn khi họ đánh giá bài viết này của Ngân. Du mục xin được bắt đầu my comments, Ngân tham khảo:

My Own Story

Is there anything happened to you which makes you remember entire of your life? Personally, I got my own story which left me unforgettable memory and made me realize how my true feelings was to whom I almost had lost.

bạn dùng "and made me realize" thiếu chủ ngữ; "True feelings were" không phải với "was". Ngoài ra câu này của bạn quá dàn trải, có thể bạn thêm chủ ngữ vào để tách thành 2 câu

It happened many years ago when I was a little girl on grade three in primary school. At that time, a nine -year -old girl like me didn’t still awake to everything surrounding me of the real life and got silly thoughts also because of that which made me regretted then. I well remembered the school lesson of that day as my teacher asked us to give a small talk about our beloved father in front of class.

Bạn có thể dùng "When I was a little 3rd grade girl in primary school", cụm động từ "still awake" không có nghĩa. Đoạn này mang đậm tính Việt Nam thể hiện qua lối viết dài không nghỉ, hehe, nếu có thể bạn sẽ phải ngắt câu, làm cho người đọc dễ hiểu hơn. Điển hình là câu: "Because of that which made me" that và which đặt cạnh nhau một cách vô duyên. Thêm đó "made me regret" mới đúng, đã made rồi thì không regretted nữa nhé. Câu tiếp "I well remmbered the school lesson of that day" ở đây nên dùng là "the day that/as" vì nó có yếu tố mô tả đằng sau.

I was so excited when we were asked for this because Dad is the one I was “favorite” most. It meant I just considered him as a best friend of mine and never felt loving him or something like that.But now I think I was favorite on him because probable simply he took me school and pick me up everyday, he did everything which I wanted him to do for me such as buying new dolls or lovely toys whenever we dropped by the toy stores after school. I felt it’s not difficult at all for me to talk about my dad.

chỗ này dùng "we were asked for this" không hợp lí vì không phải là đòi cái này cái kia, phải là "asked to do something" thì hợp lí hơn. Ngân dùng "favorite" là ở dạng nào vậy, thông thường với ba mẹ có lẽ dùng love thì hợp hơn là favorite, du mục nghĩ vậy. .Đoạn sau " It mean I just considered him as" mang tính giải thích khó hiểu, giống như thanh minh, cho câu này vào làm mất tính tự nhiên của bài viết, và quả như vậy thật, đoạn sau bạn đưa ra một statement that "never felt loving him" : câu này không hợp lí, ai lại nói "never", người cha có thù oán gì đâu mà người con "never felt loving him", không thực tế nhé, thêm nữa ở tuổi đó làm sao có thể có những suy nghĩ như vậy.

Tạm thời du mục comments đến đây , Ngân ạ, chưa có phần sửa hoặc gợi ý đâu nhé, trên đây chỉ là một số nhận xét mà du mục có thể right away point out for you. Ngày mai sẽ tiếp tục với phần dưới.

I almost well knew about him and learned by heart all of things about him which he used to tell me. I started to draw out his image in my mind and made ideas ready up for my talk. Standing on stage now was Nhu Thuy. She was talking about her father passionately. Her father was a head doctor in a big hospital. When she finished her talk, all class started to clap to praise for her having a wonderful father like that. And next turn was me; I stepped up on the stage and started my talk with” My Dad is a wonderful person. He is a worker in a big factory….” Suddenly, the class burst into laugh…I didn’t know why. I tried to repeat my words ” yes, he is. He is a worker in a big factory” and now the laugher was louder. I was so confused;I finished quickly my talk and came back to my seat.Siting motionlessly on my seat, I listened carefully to the rest of the class talking about their Dad. It went on so noisily about their father’s successes. From time to time all I heard as their Dad had become a head doctor, professors, or, at least a medical employee. I realized that my Dad “had not made it…”.I thought he was a failure.
My bad time was when I came home from school. I said no words with anyone. My parent thought I was teased by someone at school. After dinner, Dad and I usually watch my favorite cartoon show but that night I didn’t. He tried to make me join with him but It made me angrier at him .”What’s happened to you, NguyetNgan? Who made you feel bad? He asked .”It was you” I said in breaking voice and hadn’t thought to prepare reasonable explanation .”What was me? What are you talking about”? He looked at me seriously .”Dad, it was something else I wanted to ask you ” ”why are you a worker? Why are you doing that job?” You make me feel ashamed…you know” .I thought he would be furious with me but he didn’t. He looked away as if he realized the deeper problem after all. I said to my Mom all happened in the class today.

From that on, I was not attached to my Dad more like I used to. He knew the feeling of the little daughter and didn’t want to disturb me more. He still took me to school and picked me up as usual but no words between us; I avoided looking straight to his eyes. Once afternoon when school time was over, I was waiting for him to pick me up home. It was too late, but he still didn’t come up. I became angrier at him with no reason, not really because he was late; I didn’t know why I was like this. After then, my aunt arrived to take me home; I wondered why my Dad didn’t pick me up today . ”Why didn’t my Dad come to pick me up, aunt? Why did he let me stand still here so long?” I asked curiously. “He was the hospital; he got an accident in the factory, my dear “she replied. At that moment, my eyes seemed to be darkened and there was roaring in my ears; a regretful feeling overwhelmed in my mind but I didn’t let tear show.

Night after night, when I was at home watching my favorite cartoon show alone, I was not interesting on it more .I felt I missed my Dad a lot . ”Aunt, can you bring my daddy back home for me? Said to aunt .”He was serious condition and need an operation my dear “she replied. I was so worried about him and I wept myself out.

Counting this day was four days from the day he got accident. I went home from school so early this afternoon. Mom called home from hospital; she told my aunt to take me there to visit Dad. Getting into a slightly cold room with everything in white, I saw my Dad lying motionless on bed; the bandage was covered in his head, his arm and his legs also. I sat looking at him in silence. I lift up Mom’s eyes and asked “What was wrong with Dad, Mom? Why doesn’t he come back home with me? “I asked but didn’t expect her answer. Suddenly, he woke up probable because of my noise. Looking at him, I burst into tear. I cried .Dad looked at me with compassion, gently touched my hair with his fingers . ”Listen, my daughter “he said “there’s nothing to cry about. I’ll soon be backing home .I’ll be alright. Don’t worry about anything”. At that moment I realized how important he was to my life. My love for Dad was developed deeply.

How many years have passed since then! I shall never forget that story .I had learned my lesson, however, just knew how Dad’s existence was worth. Whoever my Dad is ,he is the only one gives me complete love from the bottom of his heart.

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9 Re: My own story on Tue Jan 25, 2011 9:34 pm

bluebirdy

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Hello NguyetNgan!

I have gone over your whole story and it is indeed amazingly touching. I can read emotions between the many lines there, however, I believe it can be expressed more deeply in some better ways. Well, we can improve more by getting into some details line by line or paragraph by paragraph. But in totality, you did a nice job there. You were expressive. And the best part of it is you are understood. However, there are still rooms for improvement. We can get on to them later when I come back.

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10 Re: My own story on Tue Jan 25, 2011 10:45 pm

nguyetngan

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ủa cái bài mình vừa giải thích với bạn tinhcadumuc viết cả buổi tối mới send lên đâu rồi nhỉ?12:11 a.m luôn rồi chẳng nhẽ phải ngồi viết lại nhỉ.
forum này làm mình bối rối quá,tối qua cũng vậy.

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nguyetngan

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Thanks tinhcadumuc vì đã chịu khó đọc bài của mình nhá,bài viết của mình viết cứ lung tung lên ý nhỉ,chắc làm mọi người khó đọc lắm,vì mình chỉ mới học viết essay đây thôi..

Để xem tinhcadumuc viết comment gì cho mình đây,hihi:
_Chỗ này á:"True feelings were"vì mình viết vội quá nên quên check lại nữa,hihi
_Còn câu này có chủ ngữ mà tinhcadumuc"Personally, I got my own story which left me unforgettable memory and made me realize how my true feelings was to whom I almost had lost".Verb "left" với "made" cùng chủ ngữ là "my own story" đó dumuc.Thấy chưa nào?hihi.
_"When I was a little 3rd grade girl in primary school", còn chỗ này mình xin sữa lại như tinhcadumuc bảo nhá,hihi,vì mình không biết viết chỗ đấy sao nên đã viết lượm thượm ra thế ,hihi.Còn chỗ này nữa"I well remmbered the school lesson of that day" mình cũng sửa lại như du mục nói luôn,thành thế này"the day that/as"vì như thế đúng hơn.hihi.Nhưng "still awake "không đúng sao? không có nghĩa à? awake là verb ,mình thêm "didn't" vào phía trước rồi mà.Câu này ý mình nói là vì pé ấy còn nhỏ quá nên vẫn chưa nhận thức mọi việc xảy ra xung quanh trong cuộc sống đó mà.

_"Because of that which made me"còn chỗ này không biết sao mình lại viết vô duyên thật,chắc vì hôm đó buồn ngủ quá thì phải.
_Aha,chỗ này tinhcadumuc bảo mình sai là không được đâu nhá"made me regret",dùng regretted cũng đúng mà vì nó là Adjective mà,cũng giống như "make someone happy or make someone sad"vậy đó.Đúng không nào?hihi
_Mà thật tình đoạn này mang đậm tính Việt Nam quá vì mình đã viết theo lối viết văn Việt rồi cố chuyển sang English nên không chỉ làm cho câu văn dài dòng mà cách diễn đạt không đúng English style nữa,làm cho dễ người đọc bị confused (nếu không phải người Việt Nam thì lại càng confused)hihi.Mình thấy lỗi này cũng lại là "common mistake" của đa số Vietnamese student khi viết essay,vì nghĩ sao thì viết vậy.Thiệt tình thì bài này mình cũngchỉ viết theo cảm xúc thôi.
_Còn chỗ này "we were asked for this" tinhcadumuc không đồng ý vì mình dùng chữ"this" đúng không và muốn thay bằng "asked to do something".Mình biết ở đây không giống như "ask someone for something " đòi hỏi cái này cái kia như tìnhcadumuc đã nói,nhưng vì this ở đây mình dùng để stand for cái việc "make small talk about beloved father"và vì việc này đã được mention ở đoạn trước nên mình không muốn lặp lại ở đoạn sau nữa.
_Còn favorite ở đây mình dùng theo nghĩa như"favorite person"đấy;vì khi đấy pé ấy nhỏ thích chơi với bố,mến bố vì bố hay mua đồ chơi cho,đưa đi học ,hay xem ti vi cùng thế thôi ,hihi,nên chỉ consider him as a best friend of hers.hihi
_" It mean I just considered him as" chỗ này đúng là mình đang thanh minh giải thích như tinhcadumuc nói đấy,mình đang giải thích cho ý trên như mình nói đó nhưng việc đócó làm cho đoạn văn mất tự nhiên hay người đọc khó hiểu hay không thì mình không biết nữa.
_ "never felt loving him"chỗ này thiệt tình mình không biết sửa làm sao..hihi
_Nhưng tinhcadumuc nhận xét "statement that "never felt loving him" : câu này không hợp lí, ai lại nói "never", người cha có thù oán gì đâu mà người con "never felt loving him", không thực tế nhé, thêm nữa ở tuổi đó làm sao có thể có những suy nghĩ như vậy." mình đâu có nói là oán thù gì người cha đâu,ý mình là vì đây là cảm xúc của trẻ nhỏ chỉ mến người cha như người bạn thôi ,còn bé đâu biết gì là yêu thương đâu.Thực sự thì bài viết của mình ngoài những lỗi cú pháp còn mắc phải nhiều lỗi diễn đạt nữa nên làm cho tinhcadumuc hiểu sai ý mình.
Có gì tinhcadumuc xem lại giải thích của mình xem hợp lí không nha,còn mấy đoạn dưới nữa mình chờ comments của bạn đấy!


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12 Re: My own story on Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:01 am

nguyetngan

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Lại không canh dòng được!

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13 Re: My own story on Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:17 am

nguyetngan

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hi Miss Bluebirdy!Thank for having a look on my essay.It's not really good,is it?
I really appreciate your help on this,hope you will come back soon and help me point out mistakes when we get into some details line by line or paragraph by paragraph and try expressing it more deeply in some better ways as well.Thanks Miss first!

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14 Re: My own story on Wed Jan 26, 2011 9:30 pm

bluebirdy

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Hello there once again NguyetNgan!

Let’s go straight to the point. I can see you have written a 1,078-word(to be exact) Article or “story.” That’s quite a lot!

Is there anything happened to you which makes you remember entire of your life? You want to catch the attention of your readers by asking them a question. Good start! But your question is bit lengthy and the sentence construction is bit awkward, as well. You can place your question in a very simple and natural way. Like, Do you have an unforgettable experience in your life? Is there anything happened to you simply means an experience and which makes you remember entire of your life means that which is unforgettable to you. Right? Now, the next sentence is exactly the same. You can well express it in a short and clear manner. Personally, I got my own story which left me unforgettable memory and made me realize how my true feelings was to whom I almost had lost.Well, I do! Instead of writing Personally, I got my own story which left me unforgettable memory... remember entire of your life and unforgettable memory have exactly the same meaning, therefore, as you mentioned that in your first sentence, you need not repeat it in your second sentence. Hope you got my point. Then you can continue with another sentence to express your deep feelings of realization... And the experience made me realize how painful it would have been if i lost the most important person in my life.

It happened many years ago when I was a little girl on grade three in primary school. At that time, a nine -year -old girl like me didn’t still awake to everything surrounding me of the real life and got silly thoughts also because of that which made me regretted then. The sentences can be simplified by cutting them several times, i.e., making several short and clear sentences. It can be well presented like this: It happened many years ago. I was 9 years old then and was in the third grade in the primary school. Being too young then, I wasn’t aware what was going on around me and perhaps I had been always silly. ...because of that which made me regretted then...may not be necessary, as it is only now that you regretted what you think you have done in the past, right? I well remembered the (school) lesson we had (of) for that day as (my) our teacher asked us to give a (small) short talk about our beloved father in front of the class. Good enough!

I was so excited when we were asked for this because (Dad is the one I was “favorite” most.) I understand you mean you are close to your dad, right? So you can say: I was so excited when we were asked for this because I was so fond of my Dad! (It meant) Not necessary, the readers must know you meant what you have written...you can continue with your next line. I (just) considered him as (a) my best friend (of mine and never felt loving him or something like that) and I love him so much. Simply express what you felt, at any cost, he is your father. (But now I think I was favorite on him because probable simply he took me school and pick me up everyday, he did everything which I wanted him to do for me such as buying new dolls or lovely toys whenever we dropped by the toy stores after school.) This line should not be placed here, but somewhere. It just doesn’t fit here. You were recollecting how you felt about your father that time but this line is an afterthought of what you have recollected. At any rate, we can reword it to make it appear as part of your recollection..like this: And I felt I am my Dad’s favorite too! He made it a habit to take me to school and pick me from there everyday. He did everything for me and provided me with what i want, bought me new dolls or lovely toys whenever we dropped by the toy stores after school. You can continue then... I felt it’s not difficult at all for me to talk about my dad.I (almost well) knew (about) him too well and learned by heart all (of) the things (about him which he used to tell) he told me. I started to draw out his image in my mind and made ideas ready up for my talk. Standing on stage (now) before me was Nhu Thuy. Remember you are making a recount of the past, so avoid saying now...now, connotes the present... She was talking about her father passionately. Her father was a head doctor in a big hospital. When she finished with her talk, (all) the class started to clap (to) and praise (for) her for having a wonderful father like that. (And next) Then it was my turn (was me) to speak; I stepped up on the stage and started with my (talk) short speech... a much better word... with “My Dad is a wonderful person. He is a worker in a big factory….” Suddenly, the class burst into (laugh) laughter…I didn’t know why. I tried to repeat my words “ yes, he is. He is a worker in a big factory” and (now) then the laughter (was) became louder. I was then so confused; I quickly finished (quickly) my talk and came back to my seat. (Siting motionlessly on my seat) Seated there motionless, I listened carefully to the rest of the class talking about their Dads. It went on so noisily about their father’s successes. (From time to time) I think you mean to say, At that time, all I heard were statements that (as) their Dads had become a head doctor, professors, or, at least a medical employee. I realized then that my Dad “had not made it…”. I thought he was a failure. Or you can join the last two sentences like: I realized then that my Dad “had not made it,” that he was a failure.

Well, as I've said, the "story" is quite long...and i 'll pause here for now. If what I did gives justice to what you intend to write then i 'll continue with the remaining paragraphs the next time I come. I just hope this helps. This would be all for now....

You can say: why? For the simple reason that you don’t have to sound redundant... Good enough!

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15 Re: My own story on Wed Jan 26, 2011 10:15 pm

oh wow,you guys are doing great jobs. lemme also read the story from Nguyet and corrections given by our forum tutor bluebirdy Where to start now.hmm!

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16 Re: My own story on Thu Jan 27, 2011 5:29 pm

bluebirdy

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Now, let's continue and finish this:

My bad time was when I came home from school. I said no words with anyone. My parents thought I was teased by someone at school. After dinner, Dad and I usually watch my favorite cartoon show but that night I didn’t. He tried to make me join with him but (I) it made me angrier at him . “What’s happened to you, NguyetNgan? Who made you feel bad?” (H) he asked . “It’s (was) you!” I (said) replied briefly but in a breaking voice and (hadn’t thought to) was not prepared to give any reasonable explanation. “Why? What (was) about me? What are you talking about”? (H) he again asked and looked at me seriously. ...Now, take note that you have mixed a conversation-like recount of what happened in the past so you need to “quote and unquote” what has been said with an indication of who said what.... And I quickly retorted in a very angry voice, “Dad, (it was something else) I want (ed) to ask you something. (” ”) (w) Why are you a worker? Why are you doing that job?(”) You (make) made me feel ashamed…(you know)”(.) I thought he would be furious (with) at me but he (didn’t) wasn’t. He looked away as if he realized the deeper problem after all. Then I (said to) told my Mom all that has happened in the class (today) that day.

From that time on, I was (not) no longer attached to my Dad (more) like I used to be. He knew the feelings of (the) his little daughter and didn’t want to disturb me more. He still took me to school and picked me up as usual, but no words were spoken between us; I avoided looking at him, straight to his eyes. (Once) One afternoon, when school time was over, as usual, I was waiting for him to pick me up for home. It was too late, but he still didn’t come up. I became angrier at him with no reason at all , perhaps, not really because he was late; I didn’t know why, but I (was) felt like (this)that. (After) Then, my aunt arrived (to take) and took me home(;). I wondered why my Dad didn’t pick me up (today) that day . “Why didn’t my Dad come to pick me up, aunt? Why did he let me (stand still) wait here for so long?” I asked curiously. “He (was) is at the hospital(;). (h) He got an accident in the factory, my dear,” she replied. At that moment, my eyes seemed to be clouded with (darkened) darkness and there was a roaring sound in my ears; a regretful feeling overwhelmed in my mind but I didn’t let tear show.

Night after night, when I was at home watching my favorite cartoon show alone, I was not feeling interested at all (interesting on it more). I felt I missed my Dad a lot . “Aunt, can you bring my daddy back home for me?” I sadly requested my aunt. (Said to aunt .) He (was) is in serious condition now and he needs an operation my dear,” Aunt (she) replied. I was so worried about him and I wept myself out.

Counting this day was four days from the day he got accident. I went home from school so early this afternoon. The first two sentences of this paragraph occurred in the same day so it can be joined together into one sentence, thus to read: In the afternoon of the fourth day from my Dad’s accident, I came home early from school. Mom called home from hospital and (she) told my aunt to take me there to visit Dad. (Getting) Entering in (to) a slightly cold room with everything in white, I saw my Dad lying motionless on bed, (; the bandage was covered in) his head, arms and legs were covered with bandage. (, his arm and his legs also.) I sat looking at him in silence. I lift my head up and caught Mom’s eyes and asked, “What (was) is wrong with Dad, Mom? Why doesn’t he come back home with me?" I asked Mom but I wasn’t expecting an (didn’t expect her) answer from her. Suddenly, (he) my Dad woke up (probable) probably because of my noise. Looking at him, I burst into tears. I cried. Dad looked at me with compassion(,) and gently touched my hair with his fingers. “Listen, my daughter,” he said, “there’s nothing to cry about. I’ll soon be back (ing) home. I’ll be alright. Don’t worry about anything.”(.) At that moment, I realized how important (he was) my Dad is to my life. My love for Dad was then developed deeply.

(How many) Many years have passed since then! I shall never forget that story .I had learned my lesson, however, just knew how worthy my Dad’s existence is (was worth). But if I have my way of writing the preceeding sentence, I would write it this way: I had learned my lessons well and just realized, right there and then, that Dad’s existence is more than worthy. Whoever my Dad is ,he is the only one gives me complete love from the bottom of his heart. ...Apparently, you knew WHO your Dad is...so, I guess, by saying “Whoever my Dad is...” you meant Whatever your Dad is...meaning, whatever he is, he may be a factory worker, a doctor, a laborer or whatever.... thus: Whatever my Dad is, he is the only person (one) who has given (gives) me complete love from the bottom of his heart.

Well, hope this helps!!!!

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17 Re: My own story on Sat Jan 29, 2011 5:23 pm

tinhcadumuc

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It seems that Birdy has been held responsible for correcting Ngan composition. And I do like her corrections. Nice job,Birdy !

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18 Miss Birdy,Thank for your help! on Thu Feb 03, 2011 10:57 am

nguyetngan

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_Hi Miss Bridy! Thanks for giving me a full correction for my essay and also sorry for my late response like this .You know ,I went back to forum several times to read your correction for me but I didn't have much time to write a reply to you and thought I must write a response to you sooner or later for all you did for me.I would like to spend more time to write to you rather than just leave you a brief thank you or quick note instead and I think you are still awaiting for my response somehow.
_I have read your correction twice already before I start to write to you ,Miss..hihi .Well,I must say that your writing is so good,Miss and your correction is so clear: so I could find it easy to get your point you meant to me.And one thing made me so surprised is you even know what I tried to express and what I meant but because of the lack of writing skill ,I could not do well as you did in the correction...hihi..
_I know my story is quiet long ( you counted exactly how many words was in ...so impressed Miss Birdy ^^..hihi)and sure that you spent quiet long time to do a lot of things with it such as spell out,leave out or cross out wrong unnecessary parts:rewrite the sentences so that the structure is correctly and logically expressed: make the supporting points of the thesis statement and you were careful even with each full-stop and capital letters...you did a lot Miss Birdy! thank you so much for that ,Miss...
_It could be pretty funny once I recognize the errors such as wrong grammar which I think I wouldn't have made if I had written carefully and also some points I didn't know how to express so it leads to mistakes were that I put the same ideas in different sentences...the sentences were bit lengthy and bit awkward as well and also misplaced -recollection as you told me in the correction...but you made it clear to me...thank you so much! Miss .And the most confused thing I commonly encounter is the expression of time while I was recounting my personal experience in the events(As you reminded me :"avoid saying now,connotes of the present...)..think I should bear in mind to stick to one time frame before I start to write the narrative essays like this.
_And one more thing I want to say is I really like your introduction and conclusion correction for me.It's really perfect I would like to say.Miss.It's brief but shows all of the points I wanted to mean .You put them in clear structure to make them well -expressed which I was so confused and didn't know how to manage..hihi.I frankly learned a lot from you,Miss.Maybe I will have to try my best to improve my writing skill.
_ Once again,thank you so much Miss Birdy.Thanks for helping me and for your time spent here.You're a great tutor and brilliant director also.Miss.Hope you will be here so often to help us improve our English.

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19 Re: My own story on Thu Feb 03, 2011 11:03 am

nguyetngan

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Ah,Tình ca du mục nè,Ngân cũng cám ơn du mục lần nữa vì đã spend time để correct bài viết của Ngân nha.Cám ơn du mục nhiều nhen!^^

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20 Re: My own story on Thu Feb 03, 2011 9:42 pm

tinhcadumuc

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Có gì đâu Ngân, du mục còn nợ một phần bài viết chưa give comments cho bạn
Ăn Tết thế nào vui không?

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21 Re: My own story on Fri Feb 04, 2011 7:30 am

nguyetngan

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Mình ăn Tết cũng bình thường hà du mục ạ,lớn rồi có phải bé bỏng gì nữa đâu mà thích Tết.hihi.Du mục cũng ăn Tết vui vẻ nhé!

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22 Re: My own story on Sat Feb 05, 2011 1:41 pm

bluebirdy

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You are most welcome NguyetNgan! That's all the best I can do, thanks you like and appreciate what I did. Wink I see a writer in you! You can develop that by scribbling more... and let that creative writing skill shine! Hope to read more of your writings! 😢

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23 Re: My own story on Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:12 pm

bluebirdy

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Thanks tinhcadumuc! ...Just trying to help!!! :)

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